Do I Even Want This?

I never expected that the end of my marriage would teach me how to finally commit - to myself. Well, I'm trying! I'm a work in progress.

Last week, I asked: "What's getting in the way of you writing your story?" Your heartfelt responses struck me - so many of you connected writing your story with how we limit ourselves in actually living our lives.

The Haunting Question I Can’t Ignore

One question keeps tapping me on the shoulder: "What am I committed to?"

Ironically, it was the end of one commitment that woke me up to the most important commitment – to myself. (Who knew divorce could be so enlightening?) Let me be clear, I don't think all relationships need to end for self-commitment. I believe two people can flourish when they've done the work of self-commitment first and then find one another.

As we gear up to shoot my next movie - which is all about this very question - I'm deep in the throes of examining all the fantasies I've chased and committed to. I can't escape the self-reflection because the film is a mirror showing me where my work is, especially around the inescapable question that comes after chasing something down: "Do I even want this, and why did I chase it down?"

The initial unraveling happened when I made Lez Bomb. So many "dreams" came true in a single project, but I still felt an undercurrent of anxiety. I'd been striving for so long. When the dream came to fruition, I didn't feel relief.

Maybe you recognize this feeling – the anxiety that comes even when dreams come true. That sense that you're living someone else's script.

Why Hollywood Taught Me to Question Everything

The film industry is a great microcosm. I can't tell you how many times I've been told, "…that's just the way it works." It's taken me this long to question: "WHY?" (Plot twist: Many of the people in Hollywood telling you how to get your film made have never made a film!)

We're sold all the ways a life should be lived. We're raised on fairy tales and bombarded with advertisements. No one can tell you how to live your life. No one has lived it!

I had cluttered my life with others' expectations to the point where I didn't have the space (or courage) to step back, question everything, and feel into my heart for my own vision of how I'd like to live.

Life is lived when our internal life meets the external and we respond vs. react. A tree meets life with pure being-ness, knowing exactly how to grow without anyone telling it what to do. We can access that same being-ness by dropping into our hearts in the present moment, rather than letting our past conditioning dictate our actions. Our inner life knows how to flourish, but we need to clear the clutter to hear its direction.

A Simple Practice, With Profound Impact

I started implementing a simple practice. Every time I feel tension, I take a moment to pause, sit with, and examine it.

Tension contracts. I'm interested in expansion.

Just as the universe expands when conditions allow, we expand when we release old stories that keep us contracted. Practices like yoga and meditation aren't disciplines we impose - they're ways of removing obstacles to our natural expansive nature. We're not forcing expansion; we're clearing the way for what wants to happen, like removing a dam so the river can flow. This requires honest self-commitment and examining the stories we carry about who we think we are, so we can drop into being-ness and just be.

Creating a personal framework for expansion becomes an act of returning home to ourselves – creating the conditions that support our unique nature and how it authentically wants to express, rather than how we've been conditioned to perform.

The most significant connection we can have is with our heart, committing to that relationship. It's the gateway to being-ness…and life.

"What would change if you committed to yourself with the same intensity you've committed to external validation?"

Hit reply and tell me – I read every response.

Share this with someone who needs a gentle nudge to commit to themselves.